When I'm At My Worst...

On the occasion of my 53rd birthday I've taken an hour out to think of the last year and how I am when I'm at my worst versus when I'm at my best. Careful and clear thinking, especially in positions of responsibility requires a lot of mental work. Being smart and being right aren't the same thing. The only way to be right more often than not is to be able to change your mind - a uniquely learned human skill that does not come easy especially in the emotional language we all use and abuse these days.

 
When I’m at my worst I…
 

• Avoid responsibility
• Fail to see what needs to be done
  
• Blame others
• Am un-curious
  
• Follow the rules without thinking much
  
• Do not look for opportunity to act or help or find undeveloped situations
• Think, behave and communicate negatively or sullenly
• Send but do not receive, not concerning myself with others
• Tend to believe what I want to believe
• Tend to project my biases and experiences on new situations
• Am focused on what’s wrong or what could go wrong
• Tend to generalize from specific events, especially vivid ones
• Tend to get personally involved and let my feelings over-come my sense of objectivity and impartiality
• Am not a good listener. Hearing selectively. I only hear what I want to hear.
• Am eager to rationalize rather than be rational.
• Am often unable to distinguish between what is relevant and what is irrelevant and can’t put things in order of real importance.
• Am easily diverted form the task at hand.
• Am unwilling to explore the larger ramifications and consequences thoroughly… and tend to over simplify denying both complexity and uncertainty.
• Often judge from appearances and make too quick errors in judgment
• Often simply don’t know what I am talking about, especially in matters of general discussion.
• Randomly just say stuff
• Often don’t think carefully before I speak.
• Allow feelings, prejudices, biases, likes, dislikes, hopes, wants and frustrations to supersede careful thinking.
• Rarely act according to a set of consistent standards.
• Don’t carefully examine evidence to form a conclusion
• Tend to do whatever I want to do and believe whatever I want to believe then use my intelligence to ferret out evidence to support my actions and beliefs whatever they are.
• Am eager to disregard reasons that don’t support what I want.
• Often do not say what I mean and often do not mean what I say.
• Want to imagine things are simple rather than complex
• Want to have my prejudices confirmed
• Want more than I need
• Want to feel I belong by excluding others
• Want to have someone else or something else to blame for my frustrations
• Don’t think outside myself or concern myself with the interests of others

 
All these things add up to being subjective rather than objective – internal rather than external. It’s the path of least resistance in life. When I’m at my worst this is what I think and do rather than put forward effort – of which I have great capacity seldom used to its fullest.

When I’m at my worst I’m unhappy.
 
When I’m at my best I put forward great effort, my mind is alert, I listen actively, I think critically, I follow the facts wherever they lead, I concern myself inclusively with the interests of others and the problems of the day. I smile. I move around. I take notes. I read... carefully. I see the good stuff. I find pleasure in the prosperity of others. I consciously work to improve, educate, and inform myself. I think of the broadest possible consequences of any idea or decision, and I imagine an open ended future not shackled by the mistakes of the past. I am openly willing to stop and start again.
 
When I’m at my best I’m happy.